


some things you can't undo

by heartfulremix



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band), joygi - Fandom
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24064789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfulremix/pseuds/heartfulremix
Summary: Seulgi is faced with an unenviable predicament. She met this girl who showed her everything and for even though she wishes all of these things never happened, she still has feelings for her.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, Kang Seulgi/Park Sooyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	some things you can't undo

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily based upon the song ‘Undrunk’ by Fletcher (but really, all of the songs in her 'you ruined new york city for me' EP. lol.)

***

_But some things you can't undo,_   
_and one of them's you._

The harsh scent of drink can be smelt of Seulgi. She knows it, and so does everyone else. She tries to look around but ended up only feeling a lot dizzier because Wendy's nowhere to be found. Strangers can see her struggling to keep her balance, and she knows she's struggling to keep it. It's like some sort of outer body experience. Her legs don't work as she tells them. Neither do her hands. Or her fingers. Somewhere, deep inside, she knows her brain is sending signals telling her what to do. Whether or not her body is listening is a different story. Seulgi can feel it moving. It can feel it doing what it wants. Can she stop it? It's doing as it pleases.

And then her mind thinks of Sooyoung –  
thinks of all the times she spent with her.

Every single moment, every word said that fed her wishes in life, every kiss pressed and shared she gave her all to, every touch Sooyoung did on places only she could access and every single time she'd let her.

_Dive bars and our first kiss.  
_ _Sophomores without scars yet.  
_ _Thirty-six months, just the two of us, only one mistake to mess it up._

She remembers everything—goes back to everything, including the lies.

_The lies–God, the lies hurt._

"Not everything I told you is true, Seul."

_I hate you._

Her mind is looking for Sooyoung while she tries to walk down the street. But she could only feel her eyes stinging and her legs swaying – left and right. No matter how many steps she takes, she's no closer to where she wants to be.

_Where do I even want to be?_

She bumps onto something, sees those all too familiar eyes that brought heaven and hell upon her, and then all goes dark.

_It wasn't a surprise to see her here._

Although, suddenly, she's home. Still smells like booze and vomit. She has no idea how she got there. Did Wendy take her home? Somehow she's there, and her flatmates Mijoo and Jeongyeon are looking upon her with laughter but at the same time, disappointment in their eyes. They know, so does she.

_That she's drunk. So very drunk._

_Wasted._

"Not again, Seulgi." She hears someone say, but can't quite pinpoint whose voice it is. Probably Irene. She also hears this familiar voice somewhere but it sounded too quiet and she's just too _fucking_ drunk.

"My boss, he bought the last round", she tries to say, but is anyone listening when she can barely make out a word. She wants to ask how she got home but her head is swaying way too fast she could feel the bile rising in her throat. Then she shuts her eyes, and sees the pair of eyes that she knows like the back of her hand.

Something within her stirs—stings. She rests her arm on her eyes, hoping it goes away. And thankfully, she's drunk and exhausted, because in most nights where Seulgi's anxious about Sooyoung leaving her for another person, it's only the other time when it's too easy for sleep to finally take her away.

***

Seulgi wakes up on her bed with a headache but keeps her eyes half-closed. She isn't really sober yet nor she's still wasted, but she could still feel the sways in her head despite laying flat on her bed and the alcohol throbbing in her veins. She couldn't really exactly remember what happened, like how she got home and how she got cleaned up and changed into her baggy shirt and shorts. But she remembers looking into those eyes before everything went black, and suddenly, the sinking feels starts in her throat, feeling the burning and heavy sensations go down slowly to spread in her chest.

Then it hurts. She swallows.

And suddenly, her phone rings.

_Speak of the devil._

"Hey." She croaks out while helping herself up against the headboard, hugging herself close tightly in a blanket with hopes it would warm her cold body.

"Finally, I was trying to call you, hoping you'd wake up soon." Sooyoung lets out a low chuckle, her voice is quiet and cautious as always that Seulgi has to swallow the lump in her throat to avoid the disappointment to consume her because she knows exactly why Sooyoung has to keep her voice down. "I miss you."

Something hot runs down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away with the palm of her hand as if she's ashamed of herself for letting Sooyoung play her easily like this.

Well, she is ashamed. She should be ashamed.

"Me, too." And then she finds herself asking the most inevitable and most stupid question ever formulated in this planet. "Can I come over?" Her teeth sinks into her lower lip, almost painfully that she could taste a smidgen of blood.

"Seul.."

She knows the answer albeit Sooyoung just let out a sigh in response. Seulgi could see Sooyoung running a hand through her hair because she knows that _someone else_ is there.

_Her boyfriend._

Need not another word said.

She always knows, and Sooyoung also knows that she does. As if that isn't enough to kill her.

So Seulgi's lips quiver and purse against each other to stop herself from tears fighting to come out. She's a total wreck and all she wants right now is her.

_Just her._

  
_Why is that so hard to ask?_

"How are you feeling?" Sooyoung diverts the topic like what she always does, and Seulgi would just let her. It's not like she wants to think of other things right now, too. She wants to be with Sooyoung because that's all it takes for her to feel fine. Especially when it's about the other one who resides in Sooyoung's apartment. Seulgi's weak for her like that that she would let Sooyoung do anything to her as long as she pleases (it makes her happy, too – having her like this instead of not having her at all).

"I'm okay. Did you take me home?" When Sooyoung says yes, Seulgi allows herself to breathe and just lets Sooyoung coax her more, comfort her with sweet nothings Seulgi knows are just a bunch of words that feed her delusions. It's nice to hear, to listen to, to live in a fantasy as blissful as this – with Sooyoung.

The woman she'd give her everything to.  
Even if it means giving up every single grain of her pride and ego.

And it's only that easy.

She's only that easy when it comes to her anyway.

"I need you." She feigns a pout through the phone as if she knows her effect on Sooyoung, sinking into the bunch of pillows and allowing herself to relax and gently rubbing her thighs together over the thought of Sooyoung spreading them apart. "I want to see you."

She knows Sooyoung could read between the lines whenever she says something like this, so Seulgi would sinfully indulge into the fact that Sooyoung is weak for her enough to actually have her drive to her apartment in the middle of the night to meet for a quick and hard fuck session that fogged the dark-tinted windows sometimes in Sooyoung's car or her bedroom, and gave Seulgi a temporary peace of mind.

"You look gorgeous," Sooyoung compliments Seulgi through ragged breaths and pushes her hair back while she drags her lips up and down across Sooyoung's inner thigh, which has Sooyoung rolling her hips in need and her head back against the backseat with a groan that encourages Seulgi to work harder.

Seulgi indulges herself into the presence of this woman who makes her weak and the feel of wet pussy in her mouth as much as she could before the sky turns bright and Sooyoung goes home, and Seulgi is the saddest fuck on the planet once again, so she spends every second making sure she's doing well by hitting Sooyoung's sweet spot as her fingers ram in and out until she could feel her walls pulsing against her fingertips and Sooyoung's delicious moans fill the entire space.

_Something Sooyoung won't forget.  
_ _She's the only one who could make her feel like this anyway and even Sooyoung knows that._

The next thing she knows, Seulgi is straddling on Sooyoung's lap and seeing stars as Sooyoung also rams her fingers into her wetness from under — hard and fast whilst Seulgi clutched onto her shoulders and the backseat, savouring Sooyoung's hot mouth that ravages the unmarred skin of her neck until she hears her own wanton moans reverberate against the fogged windows.

She comes around Sooyoung's fingers. Hot, sticky and full. Seulgi's left with an inebriated smile and she rests her head upon Sooyoung's shoulder.

Of course, just before she could even drift to sleep, Sooyoung moves her and tells her to go back inside because she needs to go home before her _boyfriend_ wakes up alone in their bedroom.

Seulgi feigns to ignore what she just said and being the desperate brat that she is, she coaxes Sooyoung into more kisses—soft kisses at first before it all turns into a clash of tongues and steamy moans again.

But Sooyoung doesn't allow her nor herself to push it there— _again_. Because the will to go home is stronger than _fucking_ everything out of this beauty.

Sooyoung wants to, but she's more afraid of losing the life she has right now. And unfortunately, Seulgi knows she isn't a part of it.

Seulgi feigns to understand – as if she has a choice anyway. Perhaps she learned from the last time when she forced Sooyoung to stay, which from the looks of it, didn't really end well because Seulgi only became the most miserable person ever that walked on this earth when Sooyoung didn't see nor speak to her for weeks.

She was just left there, hanging at the brink of life, spending each long night and dragging day wondering if she'll come back.

Feeling herself shatter piece by piece day by day.

And she did come back – kind of.

  
When she unexpectedly met Sooyoung in a bar one night and they ended up fucking each other until there's no more left of her.

Seulgi doesn't want Sooyoung to leave again so she lets her do everything even though they have both gotten wetter from the second round of heated kisses. She isn't even allowed to wave outside Sooyoung's car while she drives away at dawn, so goodbyes are only consisted of unwillingly putting discarded clothes on without a single word and watching her drive farther and farther from her window.

And when she's back alone in her bed at five in the morning, fingers of her own work between her legs at the thought of Sooyoung.

***

The next few days, she tries meeting Sooyoung. She texts her, tries to calls her, even sending her exclusive snaps but all of it were only left on read.

She tries again the next day, and the next one, and the next, but farther she goes, the more she loses her insanity and the more drunk she gets. Yet there's still nothing. No sign of her. Her _knight in shining armour_ doesn't come and will never come back.

Come two weeks, her fingers starts to tremble and she can't breathe properly when she feels the emptiness consuming her fast. Her body is left cold and shaking while she bawls onto her the floor of her bedroom and her nails painfully scratch through the carpet.

_Is this happening again?_

Seulgi asks all the gods listening, pleads not and prays for a miracle.

But Sooyoung still doesn't come the following week – until weeks stretch into months, and Seulgi is hardly sober. Still empty like the bottles scattered in her bedroom she's too buzzed to clean up.

Her flatmates worry so much but have been giving their all in supporting Seulgi, because they know all about Seulgi and how she feels for Sooyoung and they respect that. So they do everything they could to help Seulgi.

Irene sleeps beside her on most nights while Mijoo brings her food every time she gets home from work. Jeongyeon plays games with her in the living room and Wendy would take her out every now and then and let her meet new people – all with hopes that Kang Seulgi would get her life back again.

And the more days and nights Seulgi spend without Sooyoung, the more Seulgi hates herself for letting her leave her again, but also the bigger her pity becomes on herself for allowing every single thing to happen and then allowing Sooyoung to treat her like shit.

Most nights, Seulgi finds herself squeezing the lime into her drink. The juice gets to the cuts on her fingers but it still doesn't burn as much as the thought of her.

So she drinks, shot after shot, hoping she saves her and brings her home again.

***

Irene hardly cries, but on one night when Seulgi comes home with a stranger she met at the bar and was making out on their front porch, she does – in front of Seulgi.

"This isn't you, Seul." Irene follows Seulgi to her bedroom. "Stop doing this. You're smarter than this, please." But Seulgi pretends not to hear a thing while Irene tries to breathe through the tears that cannot stop from spilling.

Irene presses herself against Seulgi and holds her hand in her own pair when they're finally in bed, squeezes it and quietly cries more. But Seulgi just watches her from her peripheral vision and listens to her quiet cries and pleas, but still doesn't budge in the pillows where she slouched and stared off the wall.

_What happened to me?_

Irene's right, and she knows what she meant when Irene told her that this isn't her.

"I'm sorry." Seulgi finally croaks out weakly with a gentle squeeze back on Irene's hand, unaware of the cheeks already wet from her own tears.

_You don't deserve to see me like this, unnie._

Irene only nods and scoots closer to wrap her arms around Seulgi. To let her know that she's safe with her.

And for the first time in months, Seulgi feels it – the safety and comfort. She allows sleep to take her away that way that night, hardly with a thought of Sooyoung beside Irene.

_It's a progress._

***

Months go on and Seulgi is slowly finding herself again, in places she didn't know existed – beside Irene.

Although, it's been hard for Irene on days when Seulgi acts up – the insecurities on the tip of the iceberg, the trust issues, the doubts that almost have them breaking up, the strangers Seulgi kisses out of recklessness, but the understanding and unconditional love and trust she puts into herself and Seulgi conquered everything.

Irene keeps reminding herself that this isn't the Seulgi she knew, she knows she only needed to keep going until Seulgi's back whole again, and she's willing to wait forever to see the light back in Seulgi's eyes.

Perhaps, this is what Seulgi needs. Someone who's willing to give everything for her like she does. Perhaps, Irene is the missing puzzle piece Seulgi thought was Sooyoung.

Years go on, Seulgi finds herself in a places she didn't know existed but always been there – beside Irene, in front of the house they just bought together.

Each passing day she spends with Irene, she only wishes she could go back in time to undo every single thing that she let happen that hurt Irene – undrunk herself, unkiss the room full of strangers and unlose her temper that lead her to breaking Irene's heart.

And every single thing she let happen that hurt her and lose a big chunk of her herself – _uncall her, unfuck her, unspite her, and unlove her_.

It wasn't worth it, and it's so unfair.

Because Seulgi is the only one who's shattered in pieces.

"Just forget all of it, Seul. It's not worth it to be even thinking about it." Irene tells her gives her the most beautiful smile even though it stings to say those words.

Seulgi agrees because Irene is always right. She trusts her. A lot.

"I'm here."

And just like that, Sooyoung is forgotten and Seulgi feels safer than she ever is.

***

"So pink or yellow?" Seulgi runs back to the cashier bay and lifts up fluffy pillow cases of each color. Irene cocks her head to the side, lips pursing in thought. "Hurry, we're almost next."

"No purple?"

"Right!" Seulgi grunts as she buries her face into the pillow cases. "Purple it is. I'll be right back." She says as she starts jogging backwards, she cannot believe she actually forgot Irene's favorite color.

Seulgi's standing on the tips of her toes just to pull a bag of purple pillow cases that's placed at the top of the shelves. She feels her calves ache and she flinches, a little push up higher and she finally grabs hold of the pack, quickly pulling it down and then causing some to fall on the ground. One hits her head.

"Ow." Her nose scrunch whilst she nurses the spot that got hit with a small massage using the pads of her fingers. Not even the black baseball cap she's wearing protected her face from this small accident. Though, once the stinging sensation fades, she turns to look at the mess she made. "Stupid."

Where's the staff anyway?

She's picking up the large packs one by one and inserting them back on a lower shelf. It's not her fault she couldn't reach the purple section and there are no staff to help her up so the least she can do is put them back into the shelf where the yellow ones are.

When she turns around to pick up the purple set she got, a little kid is already hugging it and then handing it over to her, and she swears, it almost scared her to death.

"Aww, thank you for helping me." Seulgi crouches down to pat the little boy's head. "Where are your parents–"

"Jisoo! There you are- thank God. I've been looking for everywhere."

Seulgi looks up and she didn't expect to see her for the first time after a few years.

"Sooyoung." She says in a weak whisper and quickly stands up, blinking a few times in disbelief. Is this real? But Sooyoung doesn't see her quickly neither hear her, not after she's recovered from finding the little boy.

"Hey, thank you so much for taking care of my son, I really appreci– wait, Seulgi?"

Seulgi tried. She tried so hard to hide her face under the visor and avoid her gaze but it was just all too late when Sooyoung finally looked at her, like really looked at her that she can't help but return her gaze.

_Son. Sooyoung has a son._

A son that could have been hers, too.

"Hey. Is he your boy?" Seulgi tries to smile, and when she looks at little Sooyoung, she does smile because he looks exactly just like her mother; just as beautiful as his mother.

"Yeah- I," Sooyoung wets her lips. “His name is Jisoo.” She looks like she doesn't believe what she's seeing, too, but Seulgi ignores it. She has to. There is no space nor energy for Sooyoung in her present. No, not anymore.

_She doesn't even deserve to see me now._

"How have you been?"

_No._

_  
_ _She doesn't deserve a conversation after she gave me not a single word._

"I've been great!" Seulgi tries her best to cast a big smile as genuine as she could, but she could feel a lump building in her throat and her lips to quiver just like her hands. "I actually have to go." Seulgi stops the conversation with a gentle nod before it could even continue, and gives her one last smile that she can muster. "It was nice seeing you, Sooyoung. And Jisoo."

"Wait, Seulgi."

She waves, but only looks at little Sooyoung, barely spares a glance at his mother. And when she turns around, she doesn't look back and only looks for Irene through brimming tears.

_Wish I could unlove you._

The End.

***


End file.
